Between a ton of deaths both personal and celebrity, I am just very mentally tired. Work has been mostly one long day and all I do is wait for Friday. Aside from like two people I am so increasingly tired of everyone at work. It feels like customers are getting bolder in how they decide to talk to all of us and I'm so close to telling someone to just FUCK OFF! *Ahem* If I had a car i'd find another job ASAP, like the rocky. I genuinely feel like work is keeping me from regularly updating my website and keeping me from literally enjoying anything on my time off. I need something new...something that doesn't just suck my soul away. It doesn't help that because of my job, I'm too tired on my days off to go out and take pictures...
I'm aware that for the most part, this is how everyone is living but UGH I'm so tired of this shit.
I've felt an increasingly deeper and deeper need for change overall. I feel like I'm stuck in the remnants of an old life belonging to someone who no longer exists. I want to work towards moving and starting over somewhere new. I have no idea where I would go or how....but I feel stuck where I am now and I think I need to take a leap out of my comfort zone. I need to do it carefully cause it would really suck to end up in a shitty situation I can't get myself out of...but I am so sick of being here. I'm comfortable where I am in life right now i can admit that. If i just stayed on the path I'm on right now, I'd be fine...But I know that there is an even better life out there for me.
I'm outgrowing myself and everything in my life and it feels like the more i remain immobile, the more life begins to punish me. Life keeps throwing more and more challenges my way and the more I put them off the more they pile. The more they pile the more I have to deal with all at once later. I'm at a crossroads and I can feel it. I have to be willing to part with my previous life and previous self in order to move on...yet I feel an odd attachment to my past self...
Let's take a step back tho and talk about something happy. Something I want to address that will be an elephant in the room kind of situation soon for those sharp eyed individuals who read my previous blogs. I specifically said I didn't want a relationship for a long time. I wouldn't be with someone unless they could give me an indescribable inner peace. Life would have to drop someone into my life that is so undeniable...
Well, that happened...2 years alone, 2 years isolated and figuring myself out and life decided to just drop someone onto me. When we first talked i never expected someone I wanted to be with, it's crazy...
Their name is K and We met by pure chance. I found them on Status Cafe of all places. I just happened to visit their website from one of their statuses and I ADORED their website...Their aesthetic, Their art, Their characters, and overall Their whole vibe. So I left a message on their guestbook. Naturally they left a message on my guestbook too and eventually they Emailed me. We emailed back and forth constantly! I had not felt a connection so fast in so long...So we decided to start communicating outside of Email.
It didn't take long for us to absolutely fall for one another...
We call on the phone every day when I'm on my break at work, We go in VRChat or video call every friday, And we play video games together when we have time.
Me and K are playing through Detroit: Become Human and they are absolutely sucked into the story. I'm glad cause it's one of my top favorite games of all time and I'd be sad if they disliked it lmao. Kara and Alice's storyline is emotionally wrecking them tho rippp. K also showed me their favorite show Dorohedoro and I REALLY LIKE IT!! I can't wait to watch more with them!!!
Most of our time together has been in VRChat. we explore worlds, look at funny avatars, and go to comfy places to watch movies and shows together! this is the closest we have to being "in person" for now and the more we hang out the more I want to be with this person irl. I've noticed that in my every day life my mood has greatly improved and I feel more motivated to be creative (if I can get time to be creative uggggh worrrrk). Even at work, as stressful as it's become, I've been feeling like I'm floating. I know it's so corny but One of our first songs quickly became 'Friday I'm In Love' by The Cure because of our tendencies to always hang out on Fridays. It's OUR day...
It's so strange...Being in love when I also love myself and love my life. Highly recommend it.
I'm no fool; I'm aware that relationship trauma and past issues don't just go away because i like someone. One doesn't write a whole post about how they don't ever want a relationship again...just to end up in one a few months later. These things take time. They require patience on both ends. I Want to do this right and I know they want to as well. I think distance works for us in this case. We can work on our relationship together while I still work on my mental health and bettering my life. I want to one day be with them in person alllll the time...but I need to make sure I can take care of myself properly first.
I'm thankful for someone so patient to let me work on myself before we can take a deeper dive into sharing a life. It gives me a lot of hope for a possible future together without clinging to and strictly relying on the end goal to be happy. I am already finding my personal peace and happiness. One day I hope to share a piece of that happiness.
in the mean time...daily phone calls and Friday hang outs are perfect β₯
Life isn't perfect and never will be. There will always be something to overcome...but I have the most control of my life I've ever had and mostly anything that I want to change about it is possible, I just need to put in the effort to make things better. It's scary to take steps forward...but I don't have to do it alone. It's up to me to stand on my own feet but it's comforting to know I have someone in my corner to cheer me on as I figure things out.